Week 40: Reflecting Postpartum

As much as all of the above has been about him, more so this journey has been about me. About maintaining me, and evolving me, with love, with grace, with missteps and flaws, with the most challenging moments of my life and the most rewarding. Like I said, it’s complicated. I’m navigating this complex time of floaty feelings, dreamy eyes and hearts dancing overhead with sheer terror and worry, anxiety and longing. Love allows for this. Love makes this actually possible.

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Week 39: Entertainment Postpartum

After my son was born, and the initial reality of all that set in, and the minutiae of everyday life took shape, I realized how little I was able to actually DO during my waking hours...In anticipation for my postpartum life, I read lots of “10 Things You Need to Do Before Baby Arrives” or “What I Wish I Knew Before Having My First Child” articles online. None of them told me to get ready for binge watching.

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Week 38: Surprises

When the time came that I gave birth, after all that anticipation, you can imagine my surprise when the feelings I expected to flood me barely made a peep. I did not cry. I did not cuddle and fawn over my newborn. I did not kiss my spouse. When someone so emotional that she tears up to the Growing Pains theme song doesn’t cry or even visibly show moments of sheer happiness during the most beautiful, intense, intimate moment of her life, what does that mean?

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Week 37: Expectations While Pregnant

I’m trying to soak up these last few weeks of my pregnancy. I know it's very possible that any other pregnancy I could have might not go the same, but I enjoy being pregnant. Knowing that I have a little sidekick inside me is comparable to the feeling kids probably have when they have an imaginary friend. It’s this secret club we are a part of that no one else is able to join. 

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Week 35: Grief While Pregnant

I still feel that burn, the sensation of “dying” that I described in that moment. I don’t know that I have felt it again since. It's a feeling I never want to feel again, but unfortunately, I am sure I will. What you aren’t prepared for after the initial shock is the silent times, which is worse...The initial mourning is guttural. I miss those moments.

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Week 33: Celebration While Pregnant

The choice to choose gratitude and celebration over sulking and complaining is something I work on almost daily. I don’t consider myself a naturally negative person, probably more of a pragmatist/realisthan anything. But, life can get us all down at times and even with so many wonderful things to be grateful for (in spite of it all), sometimes (OFTENTIMES), when it rains, it pours.

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Week 32: Productivity While Pregnant

Lately, I’ve been so overwhelmed with the list that seems to be growing faster than it is shrinking that I’ve become completely ineffective. I walk into the soon-to-be baby nursery, stand in it’s absolute emptiness with just eight weeks to go, and promptly walk right back out...I really have no wisdom here for you, just a lot of agonizing and perplexity over the dilemmas I make for myself.

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Week 29: Work While Pregnant

Historically, I’m a workaholic. To be more specific, I immerse myself into my work. I don’t work to live. I don’t work/life balance my life. I try, or at least I think I do and say I do, but I have no idea what that looks like. To be disconnected or disinvested in my work would make it so hard to find motivation to go in each day...

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Week 26: Fun While Pregnant

Looking ahead, I’m sure there will be many moments throughout parenthood where I question how much I should take on for myself...But I hope, after this week, I will see how important it also is to push yourself out of the confines of expectations. This isn’t about not listening to yourself. Quite the opposite... It's about cutting yourself some slack in the name of fun.

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